learning grace

I grew up know God.  I grew up learning His character, His word, His love. 

I understood what it meant for God to love me, that His "rules" were for my own good, that He wanted nothing but the best for His child.

You would think that would mean I would follow Him all the days of my life and do the right thing all the time.  Yeah, well, didn't really happen that way.

I decided one day that I was tired of being the goody-two-shoes.  I was done living this life that people expected me to live.  I wanted to decide for myself what right and wrong looked like.  I just didn't think there was anything so wrong with this list of stuff that everyone was always so afraid of.  I just wanted to live my own life! 

So, I started to wander.  Not wonder, wander.  I set out to do my own thing.  I was pretty sure I was walking away from God, but I didn't feel like I was going to Hell.  I mean, I did still believe that Jesus died for me, and that He was who He said He was.  I just didn't want Him telling me what to do anymore.  Him, my mom, my husband - nobody.

I dabbled in things that were always off limits before.  I rationalized how it wasn't really "sin".  Don't ask me why it mattered whether it was "sin" or not since I was making my own rules, I couldn't say.  I watched things that aren't fit for anyone to watch, I read things that aren't good for anyone's heart.  I went out with the wrong kind of friends, I drank a bit, I did really really stupid things.  I made one bad decision after another.  I rationalized them all.  "I am not really doing anything wrong here".  "The Bible doesn't specifically say not to do this."

And then, it happened.  I crossed the line.  I did something that was spelled out in the Bible not to do.  It was a biggie.  Not a little thing.  No way to rationalize this, it was black and white and even I knew it was wrong beyond the shadow of a doubt, over the line, bad.  Somehow, while trying to "be my own boss" I was trying to squeeze in as much fun and frivolity as possible into the grey areas of right and wrong.  I was trying to have my own brand of fun and still be able to not call it sin, so I wouldn't be responsible for it.  That was not going to happen here.  I was busted!

Oh, the realization of sin.  Oh, how I looked into my black, black soul and saw nothing of what I
expected.  There was no excuse, no way to rationalize.  It was sin, pure and simple with all the ugly repercussions that I didn't want and couldn't control.

I was, at that moment, sure that God would turn His back and leave me to rot in my own cess pool.  He could never love me as I was now.  This was the sin, this one was it.  I had gone too far, ran too long, couldn't trust him too many times.  I was sure that the voice in my head would be quiet now.  The one that would nudge me to stop, draw me to call a Christian friend, ask me "are you sure?".  I was positive that I had done the thing that would make Him leave me.

Nope.  "My child, I love you.  Please come rest in Me."  Those are the words the Spirit spoke to me.  "I still love you, I am still here." 

What?!  You are still here?  Even after I . . . "I love you."  But why?! why?  I am so messed up!  "I love you."