Many years after I had given my heart to Jesus, my faith had to grow up. I had to walk again through the questions and solidify my answers. Was Jesus who He said He was, did He love me, and on and on. It took a few months to get through it, and when I was at the end of the "questioning" I was more solid than I had ever been.
For years I had sought God, accepted Him, felt Him guide me, but had never really experienced Him in a tangible way. Then there was the day that changed.
I was going through a very, very difficult battle in my life. My marriage was in trouble and my whole world was just shaking. I am so very thankful for the couple of women in my life that helped me navigate that season in my life, and thankful that God provided in my hour of need.
Within that season there were many spiritual battles, battles of faith, battles of trusting God no matter what I saw with my own eyes. I had cried out to God, and He had heard my cry. He never left me, He walked me through difficult times. I knew that God wanted our marriage to be healed, I knew it was a safe bet to ask for His help restoring a marriage that in our youth we had both abused and beat up! But, that didn't mean I would get my way.
After months of walking in very difficult circumstances, of waiting, of trusting, of taking one step at a time - there came this day. The day I laid in my bed, late at night - too late to call any friend, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't breathe. I was just done. I was battle weary and felt very much alone in a big, big world.
I did something I had never done before. I cried out to God. I didn't speak one of those perfect little public church prayers, I didn't try to find the right words, I didn't pretty it up, I just cried out to God. In my mind, because waking up 4 small children is not helpful, I cried out in total desperation - God, I can't do this anymore, I can't do it. I am afraid, I am alone, I don't know how to keep walking Your way, I can't fix this, I need pea . . . ce. Instant, total, all encompassing peace - from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Nothing prepared me for that moment. It was instant, and it was more than enough. God had heard my cry and answered my prayer, the messy one, the honest one. He had given me instant peace and I fell instantly to sleep in the warmest feeling I have ever felt in my life.
God showed up and became very personal to me that night. God is good, even when I can't feel Him. But Ohhhhhhh, how precious it is to feel Him wrap His arms around me when I need it the most.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
learning grace
I grew up know God. I grew up learning His character, His word, His love.
I understood what it meant for God to love me, that His "rules" were for my own good, that He wanted nothing but the best for His child.
You would think that would mean I would follow Him all the days of my life and do the right thing all the time. Yeah, well, didn't really happen that way.
I decided one day that I was tired of being the goody-two-shoes. I was done living this life that people expected me to live. I wanted to decide for myself what right and wrong looked like. I just didn't think there was anything so wrong with this list of stuff that everyone was always so afraid of. I just wanted to live my own life!
So, I started to wander. Not wonder, wander. I set out to do my own thing. I was pretty sure I was walking away from God, but I didn't feel like I was going to Hell. I mean, I did still believe that Jesus died for me, and that He was who He said He was. I just didn't want Him telling me what to do anymore. Him, my mom, my husband - nobody.
I dabbled in things that were always off limits before. I rationalized how it wasn't really "sin". Don't ask me why it mattered whether it was "sin" or not since I was making my own rules, I couldn't say. I watched things that aren't fit for anyone to watch, I read things that aren't good for anyone's heart. I went out with the wrong kind of friends, I drank a bit, I did really really stupid things. I made one bad decision after another. I rationalized them all. "I am not really doing anything wrong here". "The Bible doesn't specifically say not to do this."
And then, it happened. I crossed the line. I did something that was spelled out in the Bible not to do. It was a biggie. Not a little thing. No way to rationalize this, it was black and white and even I knew it was wrong beyond the shadow of a doubt, over the line, bad. Somehow, while trying to "be my own boss" I was trying to squeeze in as much fun and frivolity as possible into the grey areas of right and wrong. I was trying to have my own brand of fun and still be able to not call it sin, so I wouldn't be responsible for it. That was not going to happen here. I was busted!
Oh, the realization of sin. Oh, how I looked into my black, black soul and saw nothing of what I
expected. There was no excuse, no way to rationalize. It was sin, pure and simple with all the ugly repercussions that I didn't want and couldn't control.
I was, at that moment, sure that God would turn His back and leave me to rot in my own cess pool. He could never love me as I was now. This was the sin, this one was it. I had gone too far, ran too long, couldn't trust him too many times. I was sure that the voice in my head would be quiet now. The one that would nudge me to stop, draw me to call a Christian friend, ask me "are you sure?". I was positive that I had done the thing that would make Him leave me.
Nope. "My child, I love you. Please come rest in Me." Those are the words the Spirit spoke to me. "I still love you, I am still here."
What?! You are still here? Even after I . . . "I love you." But why?! why? I am so messed up! "I love you."
I understood what it meant for God to love me, that His "rules" were for my own good, that He wanted nothing but the best for His child.
You would think that would mean I would follow Him all the days of my life and do the right thing all the time. Yeah, well, didn't really happen that way.
I decided one day that I was tired of being the goody-two-shoes. I was done living this life that people expected me to live. I wanted to decide for myself what right and wrong looked like. I just didn't think there was anything so wrong with this list of stuff that everyone was always so afraid of. I just wanted to live my own life!
So, I started to wander. Not wonder, wander. I set out to do my own thing. I was pretty sure I was walking away from God, but I didn't feel like I was going to Hell. I mean, I did still believe that Jesus died for me, and that He was who He said He was. I just didn't want Him telling me what to do anymore. Him, my mom, my husband - nobody.
I dabbled in things that were always off limits before. I rationalized how it wasn't really "sin". Don't ask me why it mattered whether it was "sin" or not since I was making my own rules, I couldn't say. I watched things that aren't fit for anyone to watch, I read things that aren't good for anyone's heart. I went out with the wrong kind of friends, I drank a bit, I did really really stupid things. I made one bad decision after another. I rationalized them all. "I am not really doing anything wrong here". "The Bible doesn't specifically say not to do this."
And then, it happened. I crossed the line. I did something that was spelled out in the Bible not to do. It was a biggie. Not a little thing. No way to rationalize this, it was black and white and even I knew it was wrong beyond the shadow of a doubt, over the line, bad. Somehow, while trying to "be my own boss" I was trying to squeeze in as much fun and frivolity as possible into the grey areas of right and wrong. I was trying to have my own brand of fun and still be able to not call it sin, so I wouldn't be responsible for it. That was not going to happen here. I was busted!
Oh, the realization of sin. Oh, how I looked into my black, black soul and saw nothing of what I
expected. There was no excuse, no way to rationalize. It was sin, pure and simple with all the ugly repercussions that I didn't want and couldn't control.
I was, at that moment, sure that God would turn His back and leave me to rot in my own cess pool. He could never love me as I was now. This was the sin, this one was it. I had gone too far, ran too long, couldn't trust him too many times. I was sure that the voice in my head would be quiet now. The one that would nudge me to stop, draw me to call a Christian friend, ask me "are you sure?". I was positive that I had done the thing that would make Him leave me.
Nope. "My child, I love you. Please come rest in Me." Those are the words the Spirit spoke to me. "I still love you, I am still here."
What?! You are still here? Even after I . . . "I love you." But why?! why? I am so messed up! "I love you."
Thursday, April 3, 2014
April 3, 2014
Tonight, I thought I was doing a friend a favor.
A few weeks ago, a friend stopped in at the end of praise team practice when all the hard work was done and we were doing what I really love to do best - sitting around the keyboard, piddling, singing songs that we like, relaxed, and comfortable with just singing and listening. He asked if we would be interested in singing for his church which was starting to have church on Thursdays. Just come in, do what we were doing there, and let them sing with us.
A quick survey of nods, and we agreed.
I don't know how to say this and make it sound good, because there probably isn't a way to do that.
I love working together to bring music to the church services at my church. I love it. I love trying to get people to a place where they see a glimpse of God's character in some way clear enough for their heart to open up a little farther and experience Him a little more. But the logistics of it all can be exhausting. There are a lot of details, a lot of practice, a lot more worry than I should allow myself. It can't just be songs I like, it can't just be slow ones, or just fast ones etc.
So, back to the story. I thought I was doing a friend a favor.
I wasn't able to be there right at the time I had asked everyone to meet me. I couldn't figure out how to fit the keyboard in my civic, with the stand, the stool, the music stand etc. I was still babysitting at 5:45. My son, who is normally the set-up guy for the cords and wires for the keyboard and a strong tenor voice was sick and out of commission. But God show His love for me a million times a day and many of those are in the details!
So, first - Brit - my partner in this praise team leading - came by early and asked if she could go ahead and take the keyboard for me since I was running late and she had a van. Ha ha - thank God!
She thought to ask about the stool and the music stand or they would have been left behind. And off she went with most of the stuff.
Second - I arrived 10 minutes late (not to church, just for set up) to the whole thing already connected up and playable. Thanks Joe and thank You again God!
Believe it or not, talking makes me nervous. I worry about talking too long, saying something silly etc. But, I walked into this place feeling free to speak, free to sing, free to worship, free to lead worship. I think that's funny I think God should be the worship leader. We should just be the followers!
Either way, I realized that God called me and a group of friends tonight to do a favor for a friend so He could bless me! It may not have been the only reason, but it was definitely one of them. I needed to sit in a place that was already free and experience freedom again. I needed to feel sure that for this moment I was doing what I was called to do. I needed to hear encouragement from the congregation. Amen, glory, yes, . . . I needed to feel less pressure. I needed to just relax and worship and just know that everyone would follow as I did.
God knew what I needed. He knew how much I needed tonight. He knew that a tiny little church could bless my socks off tonight by just being willing to follow where the Spirit of God led them. And, he knew that the whole praise team would be blessed by being a part of it. I hope they were, because I was!
I know that I am in the local church body that I am called to, doing what I am called to do, but it is nice when the greater body of Christ works together as they should. The Spirit of God is easily recognizable no matter what name is on the door.
A few weeks ago, a friend stopped in at the end of praise team practice when all the hard work was done and we were doing what I really love to do best - sitting around the keyboard, piddling, singing songs that we like, relaxed, and comfortable with just singing and listening. He asked if we would be interested in singing for his church which was starting to have church on Thursdays. Just come in, do what we were doing there, and let them sing with us.
A quick survey of nods, and we agreed.
I don't know how to say this and make it sound good, because there probably isn't a way to do that.
I love working together to bring music to the church services at my church. I love it. I love trying to get people to a place where they see a glimpse of God's character in some way clear enough for their heart to open up a little farther and experience Him a little more. But the logistics of it all can be exhausting. There are a lot of details, a lot of practice, a lot more worry than I should allow myself. It can't just be songs I like, it can't just be slow ones, or just fast ones etc.
So, back to the story. I thought I was doing a friend a favor.
I wasn't able to be there right at the time I had asked everyone to meet me. I couldn't figure out how to fit the keyboard in my civic, with the stand, the stool, the music stand etc. I was still babysitting at 5:45. My son, who is normally the set-up guy for the cords and wires for the keyboard and a strong tenor voice was sick and out of commission. But God show His love for me a million times a day and many of those are in the details!
So, first - Brit - my partner in this praise team leading - came by early and asked if she could go ahead and take the keyboard for me since I was running late and she had a van. Ha ha - thank God!
She thought to ask about the stool and the music stand or they would have been left behind. And off she went with most of the stuff.
Second - I arrived 10 minutes late (not to church, just for set up) to the whole thing already connected up and playable. Thanks Joe and thank You again God!
Believe it or not, talking makes me nervous. I worry about talking too long, saying something silly etc. But, I walked into this place feeling free to speak, free to sing, free to worship, free to lead worship. I think that's funny I think God should be the worship leader. We should just be the followers!
Either way, I realized that God called me and a group of friends tonight to do a favor for a friend so He could bless me! It may not have been the only reason, but it was definitely one of them. I needed to sit in a place that was already free and experience freedom again. I needed to feel sure that for this moment I was doing what I was called to do. I needed to hear encouragement from the congregation. Amen, glory, yes, . . . I needed to feel less pressure. I needed to just relax and worship and just know that everyone would follow as I did.
God knew what I needed. He knew how much I needed tonight. He knew that a tiny little church could bless my socks off tonight by just being willing to follow where the Spirit of God led them. And, he knew that the whole praise team would be blessed by being a part of it. I hope they were, because I was!
I know that I am in the local church body that I am called to, doing what I am called to do, but it is nice when the greater body of Christ works together as they should. The Spirit of God is easily recognizable no matter what name is on the door.
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