Just to be in His presence

Many years after I had given my heart to Jesus, my faith had to grow up.  I had to walk again through the questions and solidify my answers.  Was Jesus who He said He was, did He love me, and on and on.  It took a few months to get through it, and when I was at the end of the "questioning" I was more solid than I had ever been. 

For years I had sought God, accepted Him, felt Him guide me, but had never really experienced Him in a tangible way.  Then there was the day that changed.

I was going through a very, very difficult battle in my life.  My marriage was in trouble and my whole world was just shaking.  I am so very thankful for the couple of women in my life that helped me navigate that season in my life, and thankful that God provided in my hour of need. 

Within that season there were many spiritual battles, battles of faith, battles of trusting God no matter what I saw with my own eyes.  I had cried out to God, and He had heard my cry.  He never left me, He walked me through difficult times.  I knew that God wanted our marriage to be healed, I knew it was a safe bet to ask for His help restoring a marriage that in our youth we had both abused and beat up!  But, that didn't mean I would get my way. 

After months of walking in very difficult circumstances, of waiting, of trusting, of taking one step at a time - there came this day.  The day I laid in my bed, late at night - too late to call any friend, and I just couldn't do it anymore.  I couldn't breathe.  I was just done.  I was battle weary and felt very much alone in a big, big world. 

I did something I had never done before.  I cried out to God.  I didn't speak one of those perfect little public church prayers, I didn't try to find the right words, I didn't pretty it up, I just cried out to God.  In my mind, because waking up 4 small children is not helpful, I cried out in total desperation - God, I can't do this anymore, I can't do it.  I am afraid, I am alone, I don't know how to keep walking Your way, I can't fix this, I need pea . . . ce.  Instant, total, all encompassing peace - from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.  Nothing prepared me for that moment.  It was instant, and it was more than enough.  God had heard my cry and answered my prayer, the messy one, the honest one.  He had given me instant peace and I fell instantly to sleep in the warmest feeling I have ever felt in my life.

God showed up and became very personal to me that night.   God is good, even when I can't feel Him.  But Ohhhhhhh, how precious it is to feel Him wrap His arms around me when I need it the most.